Week three since my diagnosis, and I feel like I’m on a train moving at warp speed. There are so many decisions to make, so much uncertainty, and I just want to DO THIS like I do everything else. I want to check it off, close the book and move on. I have a feeling that is one of the big lessons in store for me.
In one week, I will be standing right on the edge of the hard place. I’m scheduled to have a bilateral mastectomy on May 11th. Don’t bother Googling, it means I’m having both breasts removed and having reconstructive surgery all at the same time. It’s a big deal. And I’m scared. Mostly of the unknown. They will know while I’m under anesthesia if the cancer has spread. My husband will know that before I do. That’s unsettling. And what about recovery? I have a summer schedule that would make a rock star look like a slacker. I have a feeling that this too is a lesson I will be learning.
So once again, the words I say every day come back to me. “Breathe. Be present. Feel what you feel. Slow down. Let go. Open to this moment, however difficult. Let it move through you. This challenge is your Guru, your teacher. Let the teaching begin.”
I love the breast cancer movement, with all its pink and positivity. I don’t, however, like the words fight and battle. It feels to me that to fight this would mean to close myself off, grit my teeth, constrict and play defense. I’d rather approach cancer as a teacher. A lesson I can choose to be open to and learn from. I am eternally grateful to all of you who are learning with me.